Twilight Fanfiction is Scary!
by Alexander-In-Autumn
Summary: Everyone loves a good old heated up Twilight fanfiction. But how will Edward and Bella react when they go on to the fan fiction network by the advice of Alice and read some? please R&R!
1. Internet Discovery

Bella's P.o.V.

Edward was late. I would have been worried about this if I hadn't known Charlie was the cause of it. My father's unfriendly ---alright, downright hostile--- behavior towards my boyfriend hadn't wavered yet. He still blamed Edward for my recent depression; and Edward was far from disagreeing with him. So when Charlie arranged visiting hours that ended too soon then would be beneficial for my health, Edward obliged without a fight.

Not that that stopped him from sneaking into my bedroom when my father was asleep.

I glanced at the clock in my room for the thousandth time. He usually came by now. Maybe Charlie was still up and Edward had decided not to risk it?

I sighed and pouted. It wasn't as if Charlie would have seen anything scandalous on the off chance he even caught us together. Edward was too cautious to do anything too rash ---much to my immense displeasure. But I respected what he said at least. He was only trying to make sure he didn't accidentally kill me.

But sometimes it just wasn't enough for me. I felt as if just saying how I felt didn't come close to how much I loved him. I wished I could show him how much I was obsessively infatuated with him. But I couldn't. Not yet at least. Not until he changed me into a vampire.

If he changed me, all barriers separating us from expressing our love's depth would completely and utterly vanish, never to be seen again and only existing in our memories.

I dwelled on this for a little while before I decided to surf the net. After a small battle with my ancient computer, I was online. I remembered vaguely of Alice mentioning a website that I should see if I was bored and needed a few kicks.

I typed into the fan fiction network and browsed a little. They had Pride and Prejudice, Harry Potter, the Mediator… and one that especially stuck out to me for some reason. A little word that would be overlooked by anyone normal. "Twilight."

I wondered what the book was about. I had never read it. I clicked on it with the mouse and waited until my computer decided to cooperate and upload the links.

Finally, a long list of fan fictions popped up. I scrolled down and read some.

And then nearly had a cardiac arrest.

Edward's name was mentioned! First AND last! Under further inspection, I even found MY name in the stories!

I clicked on one by some one called, 'WannaBetOnIt?' and began to read the summery.

'Bella Swan was ditched by Edward Cullen. We all know that. But what happens six years later when Edward comes back to find out she has twins and a husband named Jacob Black?'

I just sat there, staring at the paragraph. I had a feeling that this was only just the beginning of a VERY long and tiring night.


	2. Suprises, Edward and Sex

Bella's P.o.V.

I couldn't believe that this site even existed. It was as if someone had leaked information about us to random obsessed fan people all over the world! Was the F.B.I onto Edward's family? Emmett DID mention them just the other day, but I thought he meant it as a joke… I scrutinized my room suspiciously. They probably had my room bugged or something. I mean, they had actual documentation about the lives of me and my boyfriend!

For example, how I often felt when I woke up and saw him in the morning. The fan fiction made by 'WannaBetOnIt?' began very simply.

I read some of the story out loud to myself:

"I rolled over in my sleep and bumped into something. Something cold and hard, and something that smelt indescribably delicious. My eyes snapped open to reveal a bronze haired god lying next to me in bed. His topaz eyes smoldered even in the dim light, making my heart rate sky rocket.

"He gently brushed some of my hair out of my eyes, his icy skin leaving a scalding hot feeling where his fingers traced. I could feel my face blush furiously, which made him smile.

" 'Good morning, Bella," Edward said, his sweet breath fanning out onto my face. I just laid there, dazed for the moment. He pressed his lips gently to my forehead and sat up."

I stopped reading out loud and just stared at the monitor. This 'WannaBetOnIt?' person described the average morning with Edward perfectly! But how could this person possibly have---?!

I scrolled down the screen furiously.

'Bella wants Edward. Edward wants Bella. What happens when Bella decides to treat Edward to a night they'll always remember? And what happens when she gets pregnant? Will Edward rise up to be a father? Or will he ditch Bella for Jessica?'

I swear, I could feel my eyes bugging out. What the heck?! I clicked it, shaking in fear. How the heck was it possible for Edward to get me pregnant?! How could they even SUGGEST that Edward would leave me for someone else?! He loved me! And last, and most importantly… HOW IS IT THAT I DECIDED TO 'TREAT US TO A NIGHT WE WOULD NEVER FORGET'???? The person who wrote this ---'EdwardCullenIsShmexy' (I'd have more time to be angry about that later)--- obviously sniffed glue in their spare time.

And for some reason, I was sickly fascinated by this fan fiction. In this bizarre fan fiction world, I could love Edward the way I thought best! It was actually possible now!

I read down the list of chapters. At chapter three, I found something. Some thing very suggestive. A title called 'Sex'.

Boy, I wonder what it was about? I innocently clicked it. Hey, if I couldn't have a real relationship that involved sex with Edward, then I could indulge myself with stories at the very least.

"Edward growled suggestively and sent shivers down my spine. He got up and took me by the shoulders, steering me backward. "Bella, I need to tell you something," he whispered against my neck. I could hardly breathe.

" 'Ever since I met you, I've always wanted you. But not just for your blood." Edward winked at me and kissed my collar bone. "I've wanted to make love to you for ages, but there was always something in the way of it. Your mortality and my immortality. But I realized. If I was really gentle… maybe we could…." He pulled at my corset suggestively."

I stopped reading, thoroughly embarrassed. If that actually ever happened, I don't know what I'd do. Fainting was a definite possibility. I skimmed through the rest real quickly. I caught the words 'bed', 'groping' and 'thong' in one paragraph.

Since when did I wear hooker underwear? I was perfectly content with my Fruit of the Whom panties, and kind of considered a thong to be a lethal weapon if I ever had the misfortune to come into contact with it. I would probably strangle myself or something. I shuddered. And as for Edward; since when was he so forward? He wasn't at ALL like this. He was a really old fashioned type of guy; no fun in bed until lawfully wed. Since when did he decide to whisk me off to a hotel room ---like in this fan fiction--- and basically rape me?

As I wondered this, blushing in the darkness, the hairs at the back of my neck bristled. Suddenly, a strong, cold hand was on my shoulder.

"Hello, Bella," he breathed onto my neck, his voice as irresistible and velvety as always. "I thought that at this time of night you would have wanted to go to sleep."

I turned to him, my heart thudding against my rib cage. "You scared the heck out of me!" I scolded. "Don't do that again; I nearly had a stroke!"

Edward laughed, soft and musical. He lifted his ultra white finger to curl my hair back into place. I had forgotten I had put my hair into a bun before bed. "And just what were you doing while I kept you waiting? I'm sorry about that, I'm not usually that unpunctual. Charlie was just awake longer than I had anticipated. Can you forgive me?" He started using that smoldering topaz trick again. I could feel my cheeks burning and looked away so I wouldn't fall under their hypnotic spell.

"I don't know. I waited a pretty long time for you," I managed to say after a few moments of trying not to hyperventilate.

"Will this make up your mind?" he asked seductively, whether or not that was his intention. He gently lifted my head up with his hand. I shivered. Not only at the coldness but also because he felt good.

Even before his icy lips grazed mine, my blood started to boil. Edward was perfect. Everything about him was artfully sculpted and crafted, as if angels had decided to create a living ---or in his case, undead--- statue. I thanked them feverishly for creating such a creature. I was forever in their debt for this.

His lips pressed against my own for only a short moment. But it was long enough for me to grasp his arms and gasp wildly. He broke away, his lips in a vaguely disapproving taut line.

"Bella, we've been through this countless of times. We can't do anything like tha---" he stopped short when his glorious butterscotch eyes looked over my shoulder. And onto the computer screen which still had the fan fiction on it.

I could feel my face turning red as he read through it fast. Edward gave me a disbelieving look.

"What," he began. "The hell was that?"


	3. Yaoi Lovin' with Carlisle

Edward's P.o.V.

I stared at her for an immeasurable length of time. After what I had just read, I wasn't sure what to think.

"Bella. Did you, erm… MAKE this… story?" I asked with difficulty. What was on her monitor couldn't be considered a story. At least not by me. But if it was by Bella, then I would try to hide my distaste. But I never thought that my sweet, innocent Bella would ever even dream up this sort of thing! I hadn't even thought she even knew what most of these words meant! Such as "oral" and "kinky". Never once in my life time would I ever have guessed that.

She blushed a crimson red. "No! I found this web site because Alice told me earlier today to visit, and I…." she plunged onward to tell me her entire case. I just sat there on her bed, trying to comprehend the madness.

"…and then you came in here and scared the living daylights out of me," she finished.

After I didn't say anything for a few minutes, she shook her hand in front of my eyes. "Hello? Earth to Edward?"

I snapped out of it and pushed her hand out of the way. "Bella, you say that ALICE told you to visit this website?"

She nodded, flipping her hair in my direction. Her scent hit me hard, but I ignored it.

"Then she must have known about this all a long!" I cried out angrily. How had she hidden her thoughts about this from me?!

Bella shrugged. "Yes, that does seem likely." She placed her hand on the mouse and dragged it over to the return button. She skimmed through other summaries for stories, and finally came to a halt at a particular one that made her breath halt. I tried to peek from over her shoulder, but I couldn't see.

"What do you have that you don't want me to read?" I asked suspiciously. She turned away and tried to get out of the site. I pushed her hand out of the way and traded spots with her ---me to the computer chair and her to the bed--- in less then a second.

"Edward!" Bella barked. But I didn't pay her any mind and read the summery aloud, just to tease her.

I began with a crisp, clear voice. " 'Edward Cullen is in love with Bella Swan.' " I looked over to her and smiled a little. "They're correct about that at least."

To my amazement, Bella waved off my honest amour. "Keep reading." Confused, I did so.

" 'But something happens that will change both of their lives forever.' " I stopped again and looked up at her. "Maybe this is another one of those 'stories' you love so much, hmmm?"

She gave me a wicked grin. "Oh, no….It's completely different, just you wait." She chuckled manically. It was kind of scary.

" 'It turns out that Edward is in love with Carlisle, ever since Carlisle saved him on that fateful night in Chicago. Now Carlisle and Edward have to hide their love from the rest of the world, or be shunned by their family and friends.' "

I fell from the wobbly computer desk with a loud bang. I tensed, worried I had awoken Charlie. His breathing went back to normal in a few seconds, but I didn't shift from my awkward position.

"Bella, what the hell did I just read?" I asked in astonishment. She giggled at my reaction.

"A fan fiction. And that was just the SUMMERY, Edward. Imagine what the STORY will be like." She inched closer and closer to the enter button. I gently took her hand away.

I flipped out my cell phone and pressed speed dial. Bella looked at it bewilderedly. "Who are you going to call?"

"Carlisle," I said grimly. "I think he has a right to know about this story and---" I looked at the author's name, "---this 'YaoiBoysRockMySocks' person."

I turned away for a quick moment to look outside. But a quick moment was all she needed. Bella jumped up and raced for the computer before I could stop her. At that exact moment, a secretary picked up. "Hello? You have called Forks Medical Center, what can I do for you?"

"Can you put me through to Carlisle Cullen?" I asked as professionally as I could, while throwing Bella a killer glare. She just smiled angelically and clicked on the link.

"Whoops! It would seem like I have ACCIDENTLY entered into a vampire yaoi fan fiction." She giggled.

"Bella, no! Yaoi fan girls are evil!" I hissed.

"Excuse me?" the secretary asked. I cringed. She still hadn't put me through to Carlisle?

"I'm sorry, but could you put me through to Carlisle Cullen?" I asked again, getting annoyed.

"Of course. One moment, sir." She transferred my call to Carlisle's section. All I could hear was the song 'the Suffering' by Coheed and Cambria. The hospital had some pretty decent music here in Forks.

" 'Edward! We mustn't! It isn't right! Think of Bella, Edward! Think of Esme! What will they think when we tell them we are gay?!' Carlisle asked hysterically.' "

Oh, crap. Bella was reading it ALOUD!

Bella's P.O.V.

I didn't know what went through me, but I just felt the need to watch Edward squirm some more.

And this yaoi stuff was actually kind of fun to read. I wondered if I could start my own vampire yaoi club or something.

" 'Edward moaned in his passion. He and Carlisle had been quite busy for three hours so far.' " I stopped and watched his eyes grow more and more furious and embarrassed. I also stopped because I was thinking that I probably would have preferred the one with ME and Edward. In this one, Carlisle was getting all the fun. I blushed and stopped thinking like that.

" 'Carlisle! I've been craving your flesh for to long to let you slip away now!' Edward cried out, spanking Carlisle.' " **(A/N this is gonna get interesting) **

I was certain that if Edward had been a human, he would have thrown up by now. I continued on. " ' All that could be heard that night was Carlisle's screaming. Never had gay love making ever felt so good.' "

That's when Edward snapped. "I am NOT," he began, snarling into his cell phone. "GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH MY FOSTER FATHER!!!"

Suddenly, he looked like he swallowed a sock. "Oh, um…Carlisle! How are you?"


	4. Emmett the Yaoi fan and a Jake protester

**A/N: Hey people! So this is my second Twilight fan fiction, the fist being something that I will never post on here. But I wrote this on a whim while procrastinating on my Vampire Kisses fan fiction. I hope you like it so far, and also! I have important news! I like reviews. So fork 'em over!**

Carlisle's P.o.V.

Wow. Just, _wow._ This was an extremely awkward moment on both our parts. Me, and my foster son who's gender I was starting to seriously worry about.

"Um…I've been better," I answered. A lot better before my son was screaming his erm…unnatural affection for me. "Um, Edward…I'm not really sure that I feel the same way about you as you feel for me…."

"No! Carlisle it isn't what you think!" Edward cut in before I could go any further. "I was just screaming about how I WAS NOT going to have sex with you!"

"Why would you be talking about that in the first place?" I asked, disturbed.

"Well, there was this web site that got me and Bella thinking---"

"Edward!" I scolded. "I told you and Emmett to stay off those types of sites! Do I need not remind you the punishment I gave you two?"

I could almost hear him shuddering. "Yes. And I think stuffing teenagers in pianos is qualified as child abuse."

"And yet you STILL disobeyed me! And now you're dragging poor Bella into your yaoi schemes---"

"CARLISLE! EMMETT'S THE YOAI FAN! HE'S THE ONE WHO FORCED ME INTO IT!" He was starting to blow out my ear with all his yelling. People in the hospital were starting to stare at me and my screaming cell phone.

"But now you're polluting the innocent mind of Bella! How could you?" I asked.

"Innocent? Oh, please! Carlisle, it was Bella who brought up the site!"

Now I was confused. "Bella? Bella's a yaoi fan girl?"

"Carlisle! I don't know what it is with you're obsession with yaois, but do us all a favor and get over it!" Edward ordered, frustrated. "Anyway, there's this website I think you should know about…" he explained to me what had happened when Bella and he had cruised the Internet.

"…and then we came to this really DISTURBING fan fiction involving a yaoi version of us," he finished.

"Edward, what was this site's name?" I asked, logging onto the computer. After he told me and I had correctly gotten a hold of the site, I put the phone on speaker.

"Okay, now go to Twilight," he advised. I did so, and over 5,000 links popped up. "Now just scroll down and see for yourself! Our secret is all over this thing!"

"Oh, no!" I groaned. "Is the FBI on our tail again?"

"Emmett wasn't kidding?!" I heard Bella say in the background.

"No," Edward said, sounding stressed. "It's this person called 'Stephenie Meyer'. All the fans are constantly mentioning her in most of their fan fictions. In fact, most of the fans are obsessive about her."

"Hmmm…." I clicked on one that caught my eye. It said my name and Esme in the summery.

"Hey, I found one about Esme and me!" I told him, excited and pleased. I heard Edward gasp.

"NO! CARLISLE, DON'T------" Edward oared. But it was too late.

" 'Carlisle! I never meant to forget picking up groceries!' Esme screamed as her oncoming husband looked over her, holding a belt. 'Bitch, do you actually think you can keep feeding me 'dem lies! Bitch, that's some serious shit, dere!' Carlisle cracked the belt as hard as he could.' "

I stopped reading to myself and sat there in disbelief. "Edward," I said into the phone. The other line was silent.

"Yes, Carlisle?" Edward asked, defeated. "I tried to warn you. Those damn fan people are animals, I tell you. SICK! Sick minds!"

"Edward, I beat up my wife in this thing," I was transfixed with the screen. "And it appears that I can't even form a coherent use of the English language. Apparently I'm gangster in this…erm…story."

"Would you prefer to be gay?"

"Erm… no thank you. Does anybody else know about this?"

"No, just you, me and Bella."

"I think they definitely have a right to know," I said with a conviction. I passed by a fan fiction that mentioned the young werewolf Jacob Black and Edward. "Edward?"

"Yes?"

"Have you seen the fan fiction by---" I snuck a peek at the fan person's name who wrote this, "---'DeathToJacobBlack'?"

There was a pause. "You know, maybe these fan fictions aren't all that bad," Edward mused. I heard Bella yelling very explicit language at him for saying that. The doctor passing by the cubicle looked in at me, alarmed.

Suddenly, the line went dead. "Hello? Edward? Are you there?"

Beep, beep, beep.

I shook my head and continued pursuing the site. Bella was going to kill him.

Edward's P.o.V.

"Bella!" I warned her, backing up against the wall. "Bella, you know I don't like him. It was just a joke---"

"Just a joke?" she echoed, her nose flaring. She reminded me of a dragon. "It's funny that you want my friend to die?"

"Yes." I thought it was obvious.

She rolled her eyes and stalked off to the computer. I picked up the remains of my cell phone. If I had any idea how good Bella was with her arm, I would have never said anything. Maybe then, my cell phone wouldn't have met its fate with her wall.

I joined her after a few minutes of mourning for my good old Motorola.

And to my amazement, she had actually clicked on the Jacob one. She blushed and shrugged. "I was curious."

" ' Jacob lay there, moaning in pain. Edward was laughing softly. 'You are going to die, wolf,' he said. And then Edward ran him over with his Volvo, sending little bity Jacob bits all over the forest floor.' "

Bella looked fairly sick after she was done reading that. I however was happier about the whole fan site thing.

"Huh," I mused. "There might be some promise in this site, after all." I ignored Bella's dagger glare and went on to a different story.

OH. MY. GOD. I tried to scroll down really quickly before Bella could see it, but no such luck.

"Wait! I thought I saw something," she said. Reluctantly, I went back up.

" 'Jacob is actually a vampire. Edward lied to her Bella all along. What happens when Bella ditch's the lying Edward for the honest Jacob? Warning: sex, drugs and explicit language are included.' "

"Erm…right. Let's scroll up, shall we?" Bella suggested, blushing. I was only too happy to oblige.

**A/N sorry it isn't as funny, guys! Next chapter, I'm thinking of doing Jake's take on this. Submit your decisions! Much appreciated! **


	5. Maxipad Edward

**(A/N I am sooo sorry guys! At the last minute I decided not to do the winner's perspective (Jacob) due to reading Eclipse. I decided he didn't deserve the honor. But as soon as I was about to chose the 2****nd**** place winner, (Emmett, who had a resounding point tally of 9, while Jake had 12) I was struck by inspiration. And at the last minute I decided that I wasn't going to do anyone else's p.o.v. just yet.)**

Bella's P.o.V.

I continued to scroll through the fan fictions, dazed with disbelief. There were dozens that I was afraid to click. Such as the rated MA ones. Edward wanted to check them out, but I suggested that that wasn't such a good idea. No need to get corrupted by evil fanfic.

"Bella . . . why did Alice tell you about this site in the first place?" Edward asked, curiosity barely hidden.

I shrugged. "She had a vision in lunch while you were talking to Coach Clapp. Then she got this maniacal grin on her face and told me to go on this site when I was bored and had the chance."

"Of all the times to have that vision and I wasn't there to see it,' he muttered, his eyes slowly turning darker.

"Well, it's all her fault for even giving me the idea."

He shook his head. "No, I could have stopped her from getting that far."

"Edward, it isn't your fault. Do you want to get out of this site now?" I asked gently. He seemed really upset.

He smiled but grabbed the mouse instead. "No, I want to investigate."

I hopped out of the chair to allow him to sit. He sat down gracefully and crossed his legs together like royalty. Figures; Edward even sat down beautifully. His long, pale fingers tapped across the table, impatient to find something good.

I looked away from his impatient form and picked up my aged copy of Vampire Kisses. I had a new book that Renee had sent me on my desk, but I didn't want to read it just yet. There wasn't anything that really pulled my interest about the cover. All it had was hands holding an apple; which made no sense when paired with the title, Twilight. I was going to ignore it until I was totally bored.

Just then, he stopped drumming his fingers. I looked up at him curiously. "Edward, did you find anything?"

"No," he said. "Go back to reading, I'll tell you when I find something good."

I frowned. His tone was too innocent. No way in heck was I reading this book when he was hiding something from me. I pretended to read when his back was turned, but secretly I kept my eye on the computer screen.

Edward's P.o.V.

I was shocked that they mentioned this on the site; I thought that that moment was private. My moment of utter weakness and self-hate was definitely worthy of privacy. And here they had it, right there on the computer.

They had how I felt when I left Bella. How crumpled up and alone and suicidal I had been. My one true moment of nothingness.

The title drew me in, as well as the summery. _'Edward's Survival: He left Bella, and everything left him. Common sense, feeling, the will to live. But somehow, he kept going. Against the blinding agony of loosing her seemingly forever. How did he survive? Read and find out!'_

I clicked it. I was such an idiot ---a total glutton for punishment. Would what this fan fiction say have any truth behind it?

'_Edward draped his hands around his knees. All he saw was her face when he closed his eyelids, and all he wanted to see was her face. But he couldn't. Not if he wanted her to live. He fought with the desire to see how she was doing; he thought it best if he didn't have any contact what-so-ever. He didn't want to ruin her life anymore then he already did.'_

I stopped reading. So far, they had described exactly my thoughts and feelings when I was gone. Maybe this fan fiction was more trustworthy then the . . . what was the phrase the fan fictioners put it? Ah yes . . . lemons. It was more of a lime if anything. At least I think that's how they'd put it . . . unless it's a watermelon in disguise? I had no clue. I continued to read, intrigued.

'_Nothing. Nothing else mattered to him then Bella. Existence was meaningless. Existence without her . . . he shuddered at the thought, knowing he was already living that nightmare. A self imposed nightmare, but a tortuous one.'_

Correct. I marveled at their accuracy.

'_She was the world; neigh, the UNIVERSE to him. He'd die to see her smile; he'd kill to see her look at him again. He'd consider it the highest privilege he ever had to sleep with her. Not in the way he always crawled in through her window, but in the human way. The way it could have been if he hadn't been bitten, if he had been born in this era. So he could stay with her. So this could never happen.'_

Accurate to a T. I was impressed; I suppose not all fans were scary. I continued reading, feeling better about this.

'_But she was gone, never to be with him again. He was making his family worry. Edward got up slowly and brushed past the Dumpster in the ally he was moping in. something caught his scent. Blood. Venom poured out of his mouth. He hadn't eaten in so long._

'_He opened the Dumpster lid. There, in the back! Sustenance! He grabbed the box of used Maxi-pads in gleeful thanks. And began to feed.'_

If I hadn't had more control, I would have screamed. MAXI-PADS?! So much for a more accurate fan fiction! Dammit . . . lay your trust in a fan fiction and it gets you! But I couldn't believe it; MAXI-PADS?!

Bella was echoing my own thought. "MAXI-PADS?! EDWARD, THAT'S….THATS…." she was speechless.

So was I.


	6. Jasper is Gay

I cleared my throat uncomfortably. My face was burning, but my embarrassment was nothing compared to Edward's; he was making an unnatural choking sound as he stared at the monitor. "Well, we know this is a bunch of garbage. It isn't as if it's _real_. . . ."

He nodded quickly, still glaring at my computer and the incriminating story. "Yes. Completely toxic. None of it was true, aside from the pain of missing you. At least they got that right." He grimaced. "A little too right, if you ask me. It was as if I was standing there, watching over me as I was slowly dying inside from a broken heart. Not something that I consider particularly enjoyable."

My heart sank down a little. "It was exactly how I felt, too," I murmured. I focused on the screen and exited the story.

"Bella . . . I'm not sure how I can convince you how badly I feel about that. I—"

I put a hand up to stop him from continuing. When it was quiet, I smiled at him. His face was full of an ancient grief. "It's alright. I already know that you meant no harm in the end. And that it hurt you just as much as it did me. And the bizarre thing is," I added lightly, "I learned that from reading a crap-chute story created by a person who apparently stalks us."

He laughed. "What a way to put it: 'the person who apparently stalks us'." He stiffened slightly and frowned. "Do you think that that might actually be what's happening?"

Before I could say anything, he strode over to the window and peered through the blinds. "Nothing but rain out there," he observed. But even when he padded silently over to me—because Charlie was still remarkably asleep, due to the miracles of Tylenol and a cold—his eyes shifted all around the room, searching for any spying devices that the FBI might have implanted.

I glanced back to my computer. It had turned black. "Crap," I muttered. I hit the top of the computer a little to smack it into working again. No such luck.

"Bella; can I borrow your phone?"

"Why?" I asked, frustration swelling with my ancient technology and its stubborn refusal to work.

"Because you broke my cell phone, I can't call Jasper; he might be interested in this site."

I blinked. He was right; Jasper _would_ be extremely interested in this. And he could read some of it aloud to us because my computer was being an idiot right now. I nodded and pointed to my purse on my nightstand.

Edward was a blur as he retrieved it, and was already dialing the number before I could blink. He didn't have to wait long before someone picked up.

"Jasper?" he asked.

I leaned against the chair I had been sitting in, gazed at the ceiling and sighed. I had no doubt in my mind now.

This wouldn't end well. Not by a long shot.

**Jasper's P.O.V. **

"Jasper?" Edward asked. With my years of practice, I could detect a form of desperation hiding in his voice. Even though I couldn't sense emotions over the telephone line, I could tell when Edward was repressing something really serious.

"What is it? Is Bella alright?" I demanded. A twinge of guilt pricked through me as I remembered her last birthday; it had ended with me trying to drain her of blood all because she had gotten a paper cut. Knowing Bella, she had probably broken her arm by tripping over her shadow.

"Yes, she's fine. I just need you to search something on your computer, please."

I paused, temporarily flabbergasted. "Edward . . . are you alright in the head? _Why _do I have to look something up? Stop being lazy and do it yourself." I was about to hang up the phone when I heard Bella's voice talking.

"Jasper, please do it. My computer's busted here, and there is something important about you on this web site we found."

"Web site?" I repeated.

Bella gave me a shortened explanation as I ran to the study room. The computer logged in too slow for my taste, but I squelched down my frustration. What had been on this website? According to Bella, really disturbing stories involving me and my family. In these stories, they revealed our deepest thoughts and desires. What a dangerous website to have come across.

"Alright, I'm in," I said, scrolling down the list of links.

"Jasper, I should warn you; if you see a fan fiction with your name on it, please don't click it."

"Why?" I spotted one and hovered the mouse over the link.

"Because you'll regret it; don't look at them!" Bella insisted.

"It can't be all that bad," I scoffed. I clicked it anyway and waited until the screen popped up. It was only about three pages long. Not that bad, and quick to read, too.

" '_Jasper stared at Mike as the showers overhead sprayed his body with water, making him glisten. Jasper could always appreciate a well-oiled man. Especially one as well endowed as the glorious sex icon, Mike Newton.'" _I stopped reading, mortified.

On the other line, I heard Edward and Bella stifling laughter. I grounded my teeth. "What the hell was that?"

Edward chuckled a little. I felt like strangling his scrawny little neck to shut him up. "It gets worse, I'm sure."

I nearly keeled over at that point. "WORSE? How can this possibly get worse?! I'm checking out Mike Newton in the boy's shower room at school."

Bella howled with laugher in the background.

"It'll get worse," Edward assured me.

I summoned all the courage I had and read on. " '_Yes. Jasper only married Alice to make it seem as if he WASN'T gay; the perfect cover up. But how could someone so intone with his feelings NOT be homosexual?_

'_OMG EMMETT!!!!!!!!!' Jasper panted. Emmett looked over to him. _

'_Isn't Mike like, totally HAWT today? Look at that ass—he has dimples!' Jasper wiped the drool off his chin. 'Should I run over and touch him? Should I? Should I?'_

_Emmett looked uncomfortable. 'Sure, whatever you want.' _

_Jasper ran over to Mike. When he didn't look his way, he pouted. It was time to do the mating dance it seemed. Jasper preformed a series of butt shakes and shimmies, along with a few hip thrusts and a sound that resembled a constipated elephant. He certainly got a few stares then. Jasper smiled. All the other boys were obviously jealous of mike for getting such attention. _

_Mike had finally looked his way and his eyes were as big as saucers. It seemed that he was so entranced by Jasper's mating dance that he couldn't even speak. Jasper completed his dance by doing the Cotton Eye Joe as the grand finale. He licked his lips, winked at Mike and spanked himself. "There's more coming YOUR way, bay-bay!"' _

My left eyelid twitched. Of course, it didn't help that Edward and Bella were suffering from laugh overdose, either. They were practically screaming with laughter.

I exited the site, scarred for life, and hung up without saying goodbye. I doubt that they could have heard me over their obnoxious laughing.

I was never going to be able look at Mike Newton the same way again.

**(A/N retarded chapter, I know. But I'm weird. –shrugs- I decided to add another chapter because I need space to dump all my comedy, and NOT make Heaven Help Me much more funnier then it was supposed to be. I have to continue with a serious plot. So that's why these twilight stories are sounding as if I was on crack. Sorry for the long wait.)**


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